.Friday, January 18, 2008 ' 7:05 PM Y
& your love is all i ever wanted
i would want to say out every single of my feelings here. maybe it'll really helped me to get less stress, and relax bah. so that my heart wont have a heavy stone to carry around. the feelings ain't good, seriously. it'll be about you, the match, my heart :)
the story begins today, at 11.15am ...
i really did listen to you, pulling my shirt down, and be careful of my skirt when squoting down to do my table. until now, i saw myself changing le. you might not realised that. but i realised myself. when i bend down, i cover up my shirt. i seriously also dont like to zhao geng, or like people to see me like that. im not such an open girl. you know your girlfriend well, Laogong. i'm sorry that i showed attitude to you, when you're trying to show concern on me. but i need to explain to you that, at that period of time, my mind is really stressed up. hmmm... somemore is after my test. and my class was like so noisy, plus you talked to me. can't really heard what you're trying to say. but i recognised your mouth, telling me ' your shirt your shirt'. sighh.. i really very fan dao by the noise of the environment. not that i show you attitude cos that i dont love you, or i hate you telling me that sentences once again, etc. i know you'll think the negative side. i'm sorry.
secondly, about you with zhanyi and andrew coming to my class, looking for PA boys. when i'm sitting at the side, i kept looking outside the class, looking for you. but maybe you hide or what, i dont know. but i only saw andrew and zhanyi. when at first i never saw you with them, i thought got only andrew and zhanyi there. so i never think so much about it. but... you all walked along the F&N cookery room, i saw you. my heart totally shagged.. my heart told me that you're going to ignore me le. thinking of many many negetive things. cant even concentrate on my studies. this feeling, i HATE it! then kept looking you, you're walking further and further away from me, and saw you the last sight when you walked till the end to the com lab. then you disappeared. i know you're not in mood to look at me. i can understand your feelings. i know i cant achieved what you really want from me. i'll try... but i hope you wont add on my stress le. cos im really stress now. cos, i kept on skipping lesssons, missed alot of lessons le. i can feel that i cant catch up with my class. tournament, tournament, tournament... i'm now starting to be afraid le. really scared. i need your words, your convince, your anwei, your everything..
thirdly, i did walk pass your class. just that, your head is turned the other way round. thats why you never see me. but at that moment of time when i see you, you're happily talking with zheng yuan they all. i do feel glad. cos i know i'm unable to cheered you up that time. maybe only them can help me with cheering you up. and also, i walked pass your class, just want to see you, before i go for my match. just to see you. see you a sight, im satisfied. that's called 'the power of love'. in the canteen when im eating, actually got pamela pei'ed me at first, and only get here beside me. but slowly, reeve come to the table cos he saw pamm, then add on add on to so many guys. when andrew they all here, i asked them you sad is it? they say ya. hmmm... and, not is i go find the guys and sit together with them, really not me.. when im eating, i kept looking at the stairs, hope will be able to see you on time, before i leave school. and need your encouragement. and when im eating, i never saw you walked pass me and sit behind me. when i turned back, your facial expression already tell me the truth. in school, it's really very difficult to cheer you up using mouth to talk and words. really difficult. i know you well. cheering you up, not only use those methods. still got other ways which i know myself. but i use mouth to cheer you up, but failed. i know when you see pamm and reeve saying goodbye, you jealous. on the other hand, im only saying bye to you. sighh.. when that period of time, before i leave school, i keep looking at you you you.. but the same same facial expression. it seriously hurt me. sian.. why you never come cheer me up? i know you sad. and i also sad. nothing else i can do......... and do you know, i'm being affected by your emotions. from the time i saw you in school, all the way to the end of match, my mood is all the way down. you see my laughing, cheering, during the match, all are just trying to cheer myself up. when the time when i saw you up there, directly look infront, is YOU. during the match, half way during the match, i think of the past incident. i ren myself not to cry in the court. i keep looking at you, your face :) make me abit happy rather.. when during coach talks with us after the match, before she talked to us, i serioously feel like crying out man. cry out feel better. cos there are points which i shouldn't lose. the points died in my hand. i very sad. and coach say, win a match for her, as a present before she leave singapore. but i failed.. not that im blaming myself other than the other players. is that, i can't make it to what coach wanted. and i regretted. really regretted. when coach talked to us, and she cried, i then started to cry out. and also cos she's leaving, thats why i cry. im really very down tt time..
im so glad that today got no training in school, thinking that after everything, go out walk shop with you. pei'ed with you. but.. not what im thinking. and i thought you wouldn't mention about the incident in school de thing. and thought that when im down, you'll cheered me up cos you saw me crying for coach. anyway nevermind. i also failed to anwei you up. it's the one year anniversary being with you, but also the first time ignoring you in the quarrel. paiseh. tt time im really pekchek, down, emo, etc. i know you too.. i dont have the courage to do anwei you. i cant do it. do you know that when 2 person is sad at the same time, but 1 person have to take one step in front to convince that person, it's really difficult. why i at first never anwei you first, cos i need somemore time for myself to calm down, when feeling better, than anwei you up. but in the bus, when im almost calming down, you add on words. thats why drag drag drag on.. till the very end in library. then when im feeling better, thats why i try to anwei you. which i succeeded.
DLing, can you think carefullyfirst before we quarrel? or what de? if you cant, it;s okay. i wont want to add on your stress le. really dont want you cos of my, your studies all gone case. cos i feel guilty. cos you say everytime when i make you sad, you'll emo in class, unable to concentrate. i dont know how to prevent this from happening. i keep telling myself, dont quarrel with you, cannot quarrel or make you sad, cos really scared will affect you :( i dont want your future to die in my hand. cos alot of things already died in my hand le. i want to let it off all! i really dont want. i dont want 2 person to be stressed up cos of relationship at this very important year. please, try to focus more on your studies. though im your girlfriend, but you're in school studying NOW!
take care le. loving you-
